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r.i.p. 1997 - extracts from confusion news

wishy-washy liberals

Seems like one of the previous South African regime's ministers is applying for amnesty having been implicated in the bombing of a church and the organisation of death squads. Pathetic! I reckon they should take the time to find out about REAL Law and Order. Here in England for example, where about thirty single mothers on welfare benefits are now in prison 'coz they were caught watching television without a licence - Britain's Greatness isn't just the result of wealth gained from slave-trading y'know.

getting off lightly

And talking of prison, what's all the fuss over the three surviving members of the Bridgwater Four, convicted on the evidence of "confessions" forged by the police, and now being released after serving eighteen years of a sentence for a crime they didn't commit... there's animals in UK zoos that've been behind bars for TWICE that long WITHOUT HAVING EVER BEEN TRIED, LET ALONE CONVICTED!!!

whipping up support

Commenting on the release of their election manifesto, the leader of the UK Independence Party claimed that were their policies to be adopted Britain would "once again become a world-beater". Given its colonial history, one can only conclude that this is a direct appeal to the S&M vote.

for their own good

The sad loss of David Evans from the House of Commons is a bitter blow to all of us fighting for a decent moral society. Who now will take up his courageous proposal for the introduction into the UK of a system of zero tolerance for drug abusers? And who will further his desire to advocate the death penalty for all those in possession of drugs? (Anyone objecting on the grounds of problems re the disposing of the estimated 6,000,000 corpses should of course be reminded that there are historical precedents.)

...sauce for the gander?

Meanwhile, the admission by the Secretary General of Interpol that "we are losing the battle on drugs" might well create a shiver of fear in those responsible for interning the valiant enemy troops. Will not the victors want retribution? Soon it may be the turn of senior politicians policemen and prison officers to wake to the violent knock in the middle of the night, followed by splintering sounds as the door is smashed down and hordes of heavily armed Drug Enforcement Agents storm in, ransack their homes, manhandle them from their beds, arrest them for not being in possession of any proscribed substances, and carry them off to the cells for interrogation and worse.

know your enemy

Ironic, isn't it? Armies of gallant soldiers despatched thousands of miles into the middle of a desert to try and sort out a territorial squabble between the local despots over yet another of Britain's biased colonial adjudications; once there getting warned about the danger of being gassed with deadly chemicals by the evil enemy hordes; and then unthinkingly obeying orders to pour organo-phosphates all over themselves.

going for bronze

Not that the fate of a few thousand British soldiers is likely to be of much interest to the Iraqis. As long ago as December 1995, the UN Food and Agriculture Organisation reported that 576,000 children had died as a result of sanctions against Iraq and the freezing of its overseas assets. Now the UN News announces that the total number of deaths equals those killed by the Pol Pot regime. Even allowing for enthusiastic exaggeration it seems that we're well on course for the next target: surpassing those wiped out by the Holocaust. [Feb '98 update: UN figures for latest total of deaths resulting from sanctions is 1.5M.] What a pity that the population of Iraq is too small and the time left insufficient, to threaten the totals set during China's Cultural Revolution and the Russian program of purges and population redistribution. Still, if everyone sticks to their guns, a top 20 place in Genocides of the Century now looks assured despite some late competition from Bosnia, Algeria, Rwanda etc.

and everyone lived happily ever after

With the proposed abolition of Blood Sports and the resultant loss of jobs, mass starvation is said to be looming for hundreds of thousands of loyal workers who have faithfully served their masters and mistresses for countless generations. There is only one solution. The horses must be fed to the hounds and the bloated hounds then sold to China, where they are considered to be something of a delicacy. The capital raised can then be invested to provide for the emergency employment of a couple of dozen gamekeepers should the country's future become endangered by the periodic fluctuations of the fox and hare populations.

As for everyone previously dependent on the Hunt and the Chase, they will no longer have anything to do, so the reduction in overheads (equipment, tools, uniforms, weapons etc) should be more than enough to give them a healthy wage rise. And those previously struggling to keep their kennels and stables from falling into ruin will suddenly find themselves rich beyond their wildest dreams, such will be the savings in dog-food, which because of the continued culling of Britain's beef herds looks like becoming increasingly difficult to get hold of anyway.

please note: opinions expressed in confusion news are not necessarily those held by the Government of Great Britain and Northern Ireland

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