why did the chicken cross the road?
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Douglas Adams: 42 Aristotle: To actualize its potential. Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads. Arthur Anderson consultant: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes, and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful. David Attenborough: And as we watch the lone chicken undertake this hazardous journey, we can only wonder at the awesome nature of this dangerous, yet necessary, migration. Jane Austen: Because it is a truth universally acknowledged that a single chicken, being possessed of a good fortune and presented with a good road, must be desirous of crossing. AJ Ayer: In the absence of a technique to verify or falsify the assertion that he crossed it, the crossing must be regarded as chickenless. Assembler: The assembler chicken first builds the road ... Baldrick: It had a cunning plan. Beethoven: Pardon? Blackadder: That chicken has as much chance of crossing the road as a hundred year old handicapped hedgehog in a luminous hat. Madame Blavatsky: He was unwittingly acting on instructions emanating from my immediate superiors in the Himalayas. Hans Blix: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road. Pat Buchanan: To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American. Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature. Buddha: Therefore, on the road there is no chicken, no road, nor perception of the road, nor impulse to cross it, nor consciousness of the road, no feathers, no beak, no clawed feet, no chicken. No road no chicken no crossing... only the great prajnaparamita of the empty form of chicken and the empty form of the road, and that emptiness; gone, gone, gone beyond, gone altogether beyond. "But, O Buddha," said Sariputta, "what is that crossing the road before us at this moment?" And the great One replied,"A chicken, Sariputta." "But why, O great One, does it cross the road?" "To get to the other side, Sariputta." Om. Al Bundy: It was married... With children! Rhett Butler: Frankly my dear, it didn't give a damn! George Bush: If we Americans work together, we can find the answer to this chicken thing. George Bush: We don't care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either for us or against us. There is no middle ground. C++ programmer: chicken->CrossRoad() was called from chicken->GetOtherSide() Call Centre: Welcome to the Poultry Help Line. Your chicken is in a queue and will be crossing shortly. Albert Camus: It doesn't matter; the chicken's actions have no meaning except to him. Julius Caesar: It came, it saw, it crossed. Noam Chomsky: The chicken didn't exactly cross the road. As of 1994, something like 99.8% of all US chickens reaching maturity that year, had spent 82% of their lives in confinement. The living conditions in most chicken coops break every international law ever written, and some, particularly the ones for chickens bound for slaughter, border on inhumane. My point is, they had no chance to cross the road (unless you count the ride to the supermarket). Even if one or two have crossed roads for whatever reason, most never get a chance. Of course, this is not what we are told. Instead, we see chickens happily dancing around on Sesame Street and Foster Farms commercials where chickens are not only crossing roads, but driving trucks (incidentally, Foster Farms is owned by the same people who own the Foster Freeze chain, a subsidiary of the dairy industry). Anyway, ... (Chomsky continues for 32 pages. For the full text of his answer, contact Odonian Press) Bill Clinton: That depends on how yuh define "road". Bill Clinton: I did not have improper sexual relations with the chicken (however, I did ask Vernon Jordan to find the chicken a job in New York). Bill Clinton: The chicken did NOT cross the road. Not a single time. Never. (It was a boulevard). Hillary Clinton: It was part of a vast right-wing conspiracy against my husband. COBOL: 0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING. IF NO-MORE-VEHICLES THEN PERFORM 0010-CROSS-THE-ROAD VARYING STEPS FROM 1 BY 1 UNTIL ON-THE-OTHER-SIDE ELSE GO TO 0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING Confucius: To advise the Duke of Chou on crossing roads with chickenly piety. David Copperfield: I made the chicken disappear and reappear on the other side. Jeremy Corbyn: That is a very serious issue at the heart of agricultural and transport issues and is not helped by PFI. Vito Corleone: We made her an offer she couldn't refuse. Aleister Crowley: Because it was his Will, and therefore the Whole of His Law. Charles Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees. Charles Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads. Richard Dawkins: Because of the selfishness of the road-crossing meme. Jacques Derrida: Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD! John Donne: Send not to ask why the chicken crossed the road. It crossed for thee. Bob Dylan: How many roads must one chicken cross? Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference. TS Eliot: Because chickens will not cease from crossing, and the end of all their crossings will be to reach the side of the road they started from, and to know it for the first time. Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it. Epicurus: For fun. Louis Farrakhan: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down. Louis Farrakkan: It wasn't one chicken, you lying white devils! It was TEN MILLION chickens! Pierre de Fermat: I just don't have room here to give the full explanation.. Sigmund Freud: The fact that you thought that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. Sigmund Freud The chicken was female and obviously interpreted the pole on which the cross walk sign was mounted as a phallic symbol of which she was envious. Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook (though when it divides 3 by 2 it gets 1.4999999999). Bill Gates: We own the road. We own the chicken. It's none of your damn business. Newt Gingrich: The chicken choose to exercise individual initiative and not wait for a government-funded traffic light program. Johann von Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made it do it. Al Gore: I personally paved that road the chicken crossed. Al Gore: Because I designed the Information Superhighway so that all chickens, especially American ones, can cross under our benevolent supervision. Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us. Hamlet: To cross or not to cross, that is the question. Hamlet: That is not the question. Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast. Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain. Sir Edmund Hillary: Because it was there. Hippocrates: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas. Saddam Hussein: It is the Mother of all Chickens. I Ching: Because 9 in the first place means it furthers one to cross the Great Road. No blame. Thomas Jefferson: All hens are endowed by Nature and Nature's God with the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of the other side. Dr Johnson: Sir, had you known the Chicken for as long as I have, you would not so readily enquire, but feel rather the Need to resist such a public Display of your own lamentable and incorrigible Ignorance. Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being. Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. Captain James T Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before. Krishnamurti: To demonstrate that there is no duality of This side and That side unless you think. Lao Tzu: The chicken that crossed the road is not the eternal chicken. Lao Tzu: If I told you, it would prove I don't know. Lao Tzu: Those who cluck do not know. Those who know do not cluck. Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take. Leda: Are you sure it wasn't Zeus dressed as a chicken? He's into that kind of thing, you know. John Lennon: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace. Life Of Brian: He's not a chicken, he's a very naughty bird. HP Lovecraft: To escape the crawling horror lurking on this side of the road, a nameless and foetid monstrosity that cannot be conceived save in the dreams of madness. Java If your road needs to be crossed by a Java chicken, the server will download a chicklet to the other side. MAC No reasonable chicken owner would want a MAC chicken to cross the road, so there's no way to tell it to. Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was. Machiavelli: So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained. Marcel Marceau: Marvin: The other side is just as dull as this one. Don't talk to me about chickens. Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability. Karl Marx: Driven by the lash of economic necessity. John McEnroe: Cross the road?! You cannot be serious!! That chicken was on the line!!! Microsoft (TM): Where does your chicken want to go today? Microsoft (TM): The Microsoft (TM) chicken already owns both sides of the road and the space in the middle (check out "The Road Ahead", by Bill Gates). Microsoft (TM): The Microsoft Chicken no longer worries about getting to the other side of the road. Its sole hell-bent mission is to somehow install MS Internet Explorer on your hard drive and choke the Netscape Chicken. Moses: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the Chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing. Fox Mulder: It was a government conspiracy. Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own two eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it? Newton: The Newton chicken can't cluck, can't fly, and can't lay eggs, but you can carry it across the road in your pocket. Isaac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest. Chickens in motion tend to cross the road. Isaac Newton: For that one crossing, there is an equal and opposite crossing occurring simultaneously. Jack Nicholson: Cause it fucking wanted to. That's the fucking reason. Friederich Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across at you. Friederich Nietzsche: There was no chicken, no road, no crossing. There was only an interpretation. Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road. Oliver North: National Security was at stake. NT: The NT chicken will cross the road in June. No, August. September for sure. Barack Obama: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change! Barack Obama: In 20 years of having lived on this road, I have never once seen or heard of a chicken crossing this road; and I can say in all honesty and in all sincerity that in all those 20 years not one pig wearing lipstick has set foot on this road. George Orwell: Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he was crossing the road of his own free will, when he was really only serving their interests. OS/2: The OS2 chicken crossed the road in style years ago, but it was so quiet that nobody noticed. OS/2: The OS/2 chicken can cross the road as a Windows 3.1 Chicken, or a DOS Chicken, but it's almost impossible to cross the road as a Native OS/2 Chicken, because there are no device drivers available for crossing the road yet (and there never will be). Ozzy Osbourne: Who gives a fuck about a fucking chicken! Ian Paisley: Members of the Orange Chicken Order must exercise their right to cross Catholic roads. If we are stopped by the authorities we will stay here until our eggs hatch. Pascal Programmer: The chicken will cross the road after looking both ways, but only at a crosswalk when the lights are green. Wolfgang Pauli: There already was a chicken on the other side of the road. Plato: For the greater good. The Pope: That is only for God to know. Karl Popper: To disprove the hypothesis that chickens could not cross roads. Colin Powell: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road. Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road? Ronald Reagan: I forget. Saeed Al Sahaf: The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We do not even have a chicken. Colonel Sanders: I missed one? Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road. Michael Schumacher: It was an instinctive maneuver, the chicken obviously didn't see the road until he had already started to cross. Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?" Bart Simpson: I will not use a chicken as a frisbee. I will not use a chicken as a frisbee. I will not use a chicken as a frisbee. I will not use... OJ Simpson: It didn't. I was playing golf with it at the time. BF Skinner: Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will. Joseph Stalin: I don't care. Catch it. I need its eggs to make my omelette. Oliver Stone: The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road?" but is rather "Who was crossing the road at the same time whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?" Tarzan: Me chicken, you road. Nikola Tesla: As part of a secret experiment in wireless chicken transmission. Mrs Thatcher: This chicken's not for turning. Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out. Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated. UNIX: Assuming the Unix Chicken has permission to cross the road: cd /usr/local/dev/chicken/bin/travel/ cr -o [road] -s [speed] -a [angle] -d [debug] -l [logfile] | [destination side] -v [verbose] When the Unix Chicken's process is complete you may find out why it failed by looking in: /usr/local/dev/chicken/spool/crossings/errlog/ch10356723.x.out Darth Vader: To get to the Dark Side. VB: USHighways!TheRoad.cross (aChicken) Voltaire: I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it. Mae West: I invited it to come up and see me sometime. WHO: To further spread Avian Flu to another unprepared country. Robert Anton Wilson: Because agents of the Ancient Illuminated Roosters of Cooperia were controlling it with their Orbital Mind-Control Lasers as part of their master plan to take over the world's egg production. Win95: You see different colored feathers while the WIN 95 chicken crosses, but cook it and it still tastes like ...chicken. Win95: The Win95 Chicken can cross any given road in eleven different ways, not counting the use of wizards who will actually cross the road for the chicken. If you can remember all eleven ways, you can become a Microsoft Certified Poultry Specialist (MCPS). If you come up with new way for the Windows 95 Chicken to cross the road, you can become a Microsoft Certified Solution Provider (MCSP.) But if you come up with a whole new chicken altogether, then you will become a Microsoft Certified Enemy (MSROADKILL). Windows NT: The Windows NT Chicken is designed to run over the Novell chicken as it crosses the road. Forget about crossing the road with less than 100MB of RAM. Oprah Winfrey: He was reacting to a repressed traumatic caponisation in his childhood which he will now share with us in detail. Ludwig Wittgenstein: The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects "chicken" and "road," and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence. Malcolm X: It was coming home to roost. Zen master: What is the sound of a chicken crossing the road Zeno of Elea: To prove it could never reach the other side. |
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