US citizen injured in terrorist attack
Bush nukes Afrika
A White House spokesman announced today that America has launched a "substantial" number of submarine-based intercontinental ballistic missiles targetted on Africa in response to an attack on one of its citizens. The operation commenced at 05.37 EDT and lasted less than an hour. According to sources close to the military, the mission has been declared an "oustanding success".
napalm magnate zapped
Events moved rapidly following the admission to a Maryland hospital yesterday of Hiram E Chainsaw III, CEO of America's leading munitions conglomerate. A statement from the directors of Napalm"R"Us Inc said that Mr Chainsaw had been severely injured in an attack by an undercover agent in league with forces hostile to US global interests.
Leaving his offices for an afternoon golf appointment with Congressman Curt Weldon, Chairman of the Military Procurement Subcommittee, Chainsaw was set upon by a three-year old male bearded collie which was immediately shot dead by company security officers. An examination of the name-tag on its collar revealed that his assailant was a local resident known as "Champ". The address has not been released pending completion of an extensive search of the neighbourhood and an intensive investigation into all those living in the area.
CIA confirm terrorist involvement
Within hours, CIA operatives established a positive identification using their international database of all non-humans suspected of being involved with proscribed organisations. They claim that there is incontrovertible evidence of a direct link betwen Champ and the African National Congress, for many years one of the world's most dangerous subversive movements. According to unconfirmed reports, a dog matching Champ's description had been seen carrying in its mouth a newspaper containing a photograph of Nelson Mandela, a resident of Africa, who has only recently been released from serving a lengthy period of imprisonment for terrorist offences.
Bush defends freedom
In a brief television interview from a secret underground bunker, President Bush made it clear that he would go to any lengths to prevent global conflict breaking out as the result of activities of any nation intent on undermining world peace. But, he continued, this attack on one of America's leading businessmen was clearly aimed at destabilising the US administration at its highest level. Therefore, having received no reply to his request to the African Government for the extradition of Mandela, despite an extension of the deadline by 30 minutes in response to a request for clarification from UN Secretary-General Kofi Annan, there had been no choice but to order a nuclear strike.
Reactions from other world leaders have been mixed. In London, Prime Minister Tony Blair made a statement to the House of Commons declaring that the President of the United States deserved all the support he could get in dealing with this latest outrage. The British Armed Services were on high alert and he was awaiting instructions from Washington as to their deployment. When asked if Champ had any connections with Iraq, he replied that it was highly probable.
Russia and China, whilst refusing to condone the American actions in public, are privately thought to be impressed with the forceful way in which President Bush has handled the crisis. Large explosions have since been heard in Chechnya, and all senior Chinese officials have been ordered to withdraw from Tibet.
However, there were angry statements from leaders of some of the Southern European countries, several of which suffered heavy radioactive contamination from the resulting fall-out. They criticised the US for not giving advance warning to nations in the vicinity of the affected continent. A spokesperson for the EEC expressed disappointment at the lack of prior consultation, but hoped that any further initiatives would be delayed until the winds were more favourable.
At a press conference held by the Maryland Hospital Association, an MHA representative told reporters that a casualty had been admitted to one of their emergency departments but was later released after being treated for an injured foot. He refused to say whether an animal had been involved, and denied that emergency plans to have all the people in the State innoculated against rabies were connected with the incident. The senior MHA consultant on duty at the time declined to comment on the rumour that an over-affectionate dog had approached Mr Chainsaw who, responding with a misplaced kick, had badly strained a tendon.